Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
