She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
