Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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