1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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