can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
