dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
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