No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
