capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
