Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
