I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
