I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
