Can i not drive my cunt home
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
