Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
