I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
