just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
