I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
