Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
she told me i tasted like america
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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