I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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