P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
