hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
