and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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