Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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