It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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