I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
