"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I pour the whiskey from now on
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
