Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
