mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
