just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
