If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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