It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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