We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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