I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
