Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
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