Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
