I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
