I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
