I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
