he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
