Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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