Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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