WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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