Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
That accounts for only three of the penises
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
