I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
