I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
