I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
