We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
He felt like a one man threesome
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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