I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i think my cat just said my name.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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