I am in a vortex of obligation.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
