Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
