he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
