I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
