A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize
